I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
