dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
