New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
