hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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