you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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