i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
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