hotel room ftw
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
