Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
