i just sent this text using only my big toe
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize