yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
