I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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