do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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