Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
