roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
