Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
