it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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