After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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