Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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