what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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