I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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