Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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