Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
