Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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