so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
