i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
my shit smells like andre
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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