So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
