So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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