You're my little dorito
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
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