You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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