there was a trapeze. enough said
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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