She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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