i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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