Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
