I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
