Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
