I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
