Capitaan dildo arrescate!
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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