Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
