Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize