I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
