You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
