Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Randomize