so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
