Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize