why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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