Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I need moral support for this bender
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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