you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
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