Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
