I want you more than these girls want KFC
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
