Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
