You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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