Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
