If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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