I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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