i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize