Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
