I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
