The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
