i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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